I Can't

I can't think too hard about it

The deaths.

The loss.

My heartache. 

When I do, I lose my breath. 

My mind.

A piece of me leaves with no reason to return. 

I can't think too hard about it.

The loss.

Or I'll get lost- and be lost. 

I'll wander in my own mind. 

Distracted on the outside. 

I can't think too hard about it,

but I can't stop. 

Searching outside the box for a deeper purpose of the loss. 

What a whirlwind daze that leaves me lost and drowned within my own thoughts. 

I can't think too hard about it. 

But I can't stop.

Can't sleep

When the mind is entangled, 

Thoughts digested then strangled. 

Memories mangled, I can't sleep......

Reborn and than sacrificed

For the tasks of our daily lives. 

Victimization of the realization

Stuck in hallucinations. I can't sleep.... 

A kidnapped mind is inclined to still explore, all that it's had to endure, and so much more.

Still hoping to keep my thoughts pure and want more. I can't sleep....... 

Dear Birthday

When asked- "what would your letter to your birthday be? 

Hmmmm Well after deep thought- and 5 days late 😳 I'll share mine....... 

Dear Birthday, 

Let me start by saying 

You would be very proud to know that 

I have chosen to live a life in which I am able and dedicated to receive and give love. To me this means that everyday I am deserving of living a fulfilling and meaningful life. Living life with intention to give and receive love are the stepping stones to a life filled with purpose and substance. A quality life. 

As I reach and grip, and hold you in my hands dear Birthday- I am grateful for being able to live a decent life, an honorable life, an ethical life; one that I can be proud of. Because of course as you know Birthday- it hasn't always been that way since my birth- day. 

I am grateful that the higher powers have always been in my corner and even when circumstances pressured me to doubt the presence of a higher up, I was lifted higher up- sometimes letting me fall and fail, but always providing a way for me to get back up and finish. Filling my mind with new ideas, new energy and passion to always push forward. I am grateful to have been able to stay strong even at times when I didn't feel strong. I am grateful for being able to be a provider, a supporter, an encourager, and motivator not only to others but first to myself, and without being selfish. 

I am grateful for those times that I wanted to quit but did not quit everything, wanted to change the whole world around me, but knew that I had to start with myself first. 

I am thankful that I can learn from my mistakes. I even make brand new ones and learn from those as well, and I've learned to do it without fear. I don't hold anything against myself or others, instead I choose to unravel the lessons that are tangled, in a vow to keep pushing forward to be all that I need to be. Knowing that I'll be all that I'm supposed to be – all that I want to be – and all that I am. 

Grudges don't weigh me down anymore. Revenge is not my right hand man anymore, blame no longer shoots from the point of my fingertip.

In order to make this progress with myself Dear Birthday, I work at it every single day- no days off, no vacation days, no sick time from being the best that I can be. It's so easy to place the blame and point the finger and much more difficult to look in the mirror and start making the changes that you want to see from within. 

It's easier to make the bad things someone else's fault and make the good things all because of your own doing. When in the end what really matters is what happened, how you reacted to it and what the results were. The happiness in who you see when you look into the mirror, is a direct reflection of your own effort to be happy. 

I also want to say that although I know you're my birthday, I am deeply hurt that you won't show up each year anymore for those that I've lost and still grieve for. So I will continue to celebrate their birthday for them, as I still feel whole heartedly that they were absolutely robbed. I have made a choice to forgive you and trust in the bigger picture. 

I will continue to refuse to do things half assed, and never use half my ass to get things done; but instead do things with my heart, completely in balance with facts and sprinkled quite nicely with my intuition and gut. This ability I don't take for granted, I am blessed in every way. 

So hello birthday, I'm so damn happy to see you again; and although I am one year older I am just as proud to say that I am one year happier, one year stronger, and eager to do all that's in my power to not only see you again; but to KNOW- without a doubt, that I am definitely worth revisiting. 

Love Sonia 

"Where Does Self Damage Come From"

"Where Does Self Damage Come From" 

Self damage thrives on your negative mentality and way of thinking. It gains power from failed relationships and friendships. It grows with fear, and blossoms in self doubt and lack of confidence. It manifests in jealousy and shortages of self esteem. It finds familiarity in loss of faith. It matures in immaturity and develops in an absence of self development. It evolves when you don't evolve,  and prospers when you give up trying to prosper. Self damage becomes inspired when you lack inspiration.
It is a disease, an unrecognized and undiagnosed disease. This disease creeps in and snatches up pieces of your happiness and steals your life while you're still living it. It refills your biggest doubts, fears and sorrows. You often wonder why you feel so heavy, so overloaded and so fed up with it all? How can you stop feeding it and begin to live the life that you deserve?


Read my 3rd Book coming- Summer  of 2017

"Managing My Damaging Self"

The Key to Recognizing and Repairing the Damaged Self.

By: Sonia Olivia Williams

" I Won't Forget You"

" I Won't Forget You"

 

I don't think they ever knew my name. I'm fine with that. It's completely understandable that new names don't really matter in this space. The space between a long life lived and a short journey left till death. What they did know was my voice, my friendly smile, my delicate mannerisms, and my caring ways. They knew my heart and they knew it cared. They knew they could dependably see me at the desk or walking the aisles, when daughters, sons and other family members didn't show up. The same ones they wait and long to see, I often became the acceptable fill in, even if only for the moment that I was needed. 

They know that I haven't forgotten them as I sit and listen to the old timer jokes, the wit, the sarcasm, the wisdom. I listen intensively to stories of history, depression and war. I soak up their life and experiences like sand on the beach as if this has to be too good to be true. 

I knew that I could never forget them. Each face etched into my soul, and attaching itself to my spirit. Knowing that these priceless moments will come and go too fast. The repetitive and painful sounding coughs are a reminder of the physical weakness, and as I'm looked at through glossy and sore red eyes I know that to them I am but an unbalanced blur. The runny noses and clammy shaky hands often embrace mine with a grip that must take enormous effort and strength. 

I won't forget you I think to myself, staring into a face that I never knew as unwrinkled but still being so handsomely beautiful. I won't forget you I think, as I lean down to give a hug so gentle in fear of throwing them off balance. 

The many abilities we take for granted they know only death can return to them. Sight, balance, hearing, memory, loss, loved ones, strength, hope, faith. 

I listen patiently as their mind skips from past to present, sometimes the past or future being the present. The confusion, fear, irritation when they can't remember. The solace in their faces if they do remember becoming suddenly transformed into confusion as they struggle to remember where they are, and how this isn't home. But it is home, and with a soft reminder they are calm again. I ignite the fireplace early for the night owls, just in case one comes slowly walking down the hall longing for comfort and warmth in the chair next to the crackling fire. I sit next to them with open ears listening to what's on their mind and hearts that's keeping them awake, soaking it all in like sand on the beach. I won't forget you I think to myself, so grateful that I was one of their last stops in their beautiful journey of life.

" FROM LOSS TO GAIN"

" From Loss to Gain"

Wishing strength at this time of sadness and Mourning. Loss is hard, and overwhelming: 
One can only try to find comfort in knowing that an angel is gained.
An angel that is now closer to you than ever before.
There are no more- boundaries or limitations.
Nothing can keep you apart in your mind and your heart.

Fighting back the tears, the aches are so serious.
When one disappears, is robbed from their years, leaves me curious.
It rekindles my fears, leaves me hurt and so furious.

Wishing strength at this time of sadness, for my angel was here-
living with me through madness.
existing, in this world where shit happens.
enlisting, and we dealt through the sadness.

From loss to gain, I pray to my angel
that I don't go insane.
please.......
reverse from grave to cradle
if your able.
My brother, My father, My friend.
My sisters, My cousins,
The Mothers- Grandmothers;
Amen.......................................................

"Almost Extinct"

She rises early 

To make her bread....

And stays up late, 

To clear her head.....

She knows her way

Doesn't need a guide.....

Wont go back to any

That left her side.......

She has many friends 

Although some unworthy......

Shakes plenty of hands

even those undeserving.......

With a smile on her face

No how's and no why's......

She handles her business 

With her eyes on the prize.......

She raises her children 

With all that she has.......

She puts family first

And still gives them her last .......

An average woman 

She never could be.......... 

If you see her, better grab her

She's almost extinct..........